"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him..."
Ripping Yarns
'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
W. C. Fields
...One witness told the commissioners that she had seen sexual intercourse taking place between two parked cars in front of her house...
The Press (Atlantic City, N.J.) 6/14/79
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
Robert Benchley (1889-1945)
A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.
Doug Larson
A day without sunshine is like night.
A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on the table after you eat.
A hole has been found in the fence surrounding the Happydale Nudist Colony. Police are looking into it.
A murderer is just an extroverted suicide.
Monty Python
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
How else would they do it?
Actual sign in jewelry store window: "Ears pierced while you wait!"
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
Sinclair Lewis
All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.
Always forgive your enemies --- nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.
Josh Billings
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested, and the frog dies of it.
E.B.White (1899-1985)
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
from The Goon Show
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
By the time we've made it, we've had it.
Malcolm Forbes
Campaigns to bearproof all garbage containers in wild areas have been difficult because, as one biologist put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain
Cogito ergo spud (I think, therefore I yam).
Complete this sentence: I never met a man I didn't
like...
a) to
cheat.
b) at
first.
c) to
avoid.
d) better than
you.
Robert Byrne
Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
Roy G. Blount, Jr.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Bumper sticker
Eat as much as you like --- just don't swallow it.
Harry Secombe
Failure is not an option. It is just a nagging possibility that helps me stay focused.
Linda J Esposito
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Dr. Who
Fix this sentence:
He
put the horse before the cart.
Stephen Price
Another fortune cookie
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Charlie McCarthy
(Edgar Bergen, 1903-1978)
He doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy. He doesn't know when he's winning, either. He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus known to man...
Monty Python
He really impressed me with his opinion of himself.
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
He's so bucktoothed, he could eat sweet corn through a picket fence.
Heaven is where the police are British,
the cooks are
French,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are
Italian,
and all is organized by the Swiss.
Hell is
where the police are German,
the cooks are British,
the
mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss,
and all is
organized by the Italians.
Vic Pecka & Paige Scott
Hero-worship is mostly idol gossip.
Historical reminder: always put Horace before Descartes.
Donald O. Rickter
How should they answer?
Abigail van Buren in reply to the question, "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
Hypocrite: the man who murdered both his parents, and then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan.
Abraham Lincoln
I always wanted to be somebody. I see now that I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
Steven Pearl
I drink to make other people interesting.
George Jean Nathan
I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
Graffito in Los Angeles
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
Richard Jeni
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Emo Phillips
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johnny Carson
I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific.
Steven Wright
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
I've been on helicopters, and I like them because they can land just about anywhere. Which is where I want to land the moment they take off.
Mike Royko
If I had known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself.
If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
Douglas Jerrold (1803-1857)
If I were to ask you a hypothetical question, would you answer it?
If a lawyer and your mother-in-law were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go watch television or just have a drink?
The American Rule
If a little is good, more is better and too much is just enough.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
W. C. Fields
If a tree falls in a forest, and it hits a mime, will he make a sound?
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
Dave Barry
If at first you don't succeed, you're just about average.
Bill Cosby
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it'd be curtains for all of us.
If it's good, they'll stop making it.
Herb Block
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
Thomas de Quincy
If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me
Song title by Jimmy Buffet
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
If you believe what you read, the sky is thick with aliens who are designing pyramids, disemboweling livestock, impregnating rural people and generally having a good time at our expense.
Scott Adams
If you bet on a horse, that's gambling. If you bet you can make three spades, that's entertainment. If you bet cotton will go up three points, that's business. See the difference?
Blackie Sherrod
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
Bobby Slayton
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.
Jim Eason
In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
Will Durst
First Rule of Comedy
In all knock-knock jokes, the 'k' is silent.
Joe Martin
In conclusion, let me just say to all females everywhere, on behalf of all males everywhere, that you are very beautiful and your eyes are like two shining stars, unless you're a female fly, in which case your eyes are more like 2,038 shining stars.
Dave Barry
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
Franz Kafka
In this business you either sink or swim or you don't.
David Smith
Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
Terry Pratchett
Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
William Safire
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
Dr. Gonzo
Is this the party to whom I am speaking?
Lily Tomlin as Ernestine the operator
Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?
Herb Caen
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win or lose.
Darrin Weinberg
It takes longer to pick a color than paint a room.
Chuck Klaer
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.
Franklin P. Jones
It's all right to drink like a fish --- if you drink what a fish drinks.
Mary Pettibone Poole
It's so beautifully arranged on the plate --- you know someone's fingers have been all over it.
Julia Childs on nouvelle cuisine
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say, then say the opposite.
Sam Levenson
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Charles M. Schulz
Just when I think I've won the rat race, along come faster rats.
Hellman's Principle
Keep cool, but do not freeze.
(from a mayonnaise jar)
Last guys don't finish nice.
Stanley Kelley
Learn from your parents' mistakes --- use birth control.
Life is something that, when it's done, it's going to take us a long time to get over it.
Garrison Keillor
Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on.
Budd Schulberg
Maturity is the time of life when, if you had the time, you'd have the time of your life.
Millions of Americans own dogs, because they are good-natured, simple, and easily amused. I am referring here to the Americans.
Dave Barry
Most Texans think "Hanukkah" is some sort of duck call.
Richard Lewis
My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
David Steinberg
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Stephen Wright
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
Paula Poundstone
My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
NEW YORK---The Assembly passed and sent to the Senate a bill requiring dog owners in New York City to clean up after their pets, on penalty of a $100 fine. The bill also applies to Buffalo.
The New York Times 5/24/77
Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy
Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there.
Mickey Friedman
Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never use a long word when there's a commensurate diminutive available.
Stan Kelly-Bootle
No matter where you go --- there you are.
Buckaroo Banzai
No name, no matter how simple, can be correctly understood over the phone.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting.
Old age is the only disease you don't look forward to being cured of.
From "Citizen Kane," 1941
Once during Prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
Alex Levine
Partying is such sweet sorrow.
Robert Byrne
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis
Q: What do you have if you have a mothball in one hand
and a mothball in the other hand?
A: One HELL of a
moth!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue;
I'm a
schizophrenic,
And so am I.
Frank Crow
Semper Ubi Sububi (Always wear underwear)
Should you become separated from your mount, stand very still and make a noise like a carrot.
UK cavalry drill instructor
Show me a dieter, and I'll show you a person who belittles himself.
Garfield
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
Some people do odd things to get even.
Some people have suggested that our tax laws should be simplified so that the taxpayers could actually understand them. How could this be done? My friend John Dorschner proposes this system: Every year, on April 15, all members of Congress would be placed in individual prison cells with the necessary tax forms and a copy of the Tax Code. They would remain locked in the cells, without food or water, until they had completed their tax returns and successfully undergone a full IRS audit. Of course this system would probably result in a severe shortage of congresspersons. But there might also be some drawbacks.
Dave Barry
Sometimes silence is not golden --- just yellow.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
David Letterman
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Sam Levenson
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields (1880-1946)
Stay with me; I want to be alone.
Joey Adams
Stupidity got us into this mess --- why can't it get us out?
Will Rogers
Submarines, flying boats, robots, talking pictures, radio, television, bouncing radar vibrations off the moon, rocket ships, and atom-splitting --- all in our time. But nobody has yet been able to figure out a music holder for a marching piccolo player.
Meredith Willson, 1948
First Law of Flying
Takeoff is optional; landing is mandatory.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
Thank you, but I have other plans.
Response to "Have a nice day" suggested by Paul Fussel
That baby was so ugly, they had to hang a pork chop around its neck to get the dog to play with it.
About the American Hyphen Society
The American Hyphen Society is a community-based, not-for-profit, grass-roots consciousness-raising/education-research alliance that seeks to help effectuate the across-the-board self-empowerment of wide-ranging culture-, nationality-, ethnicity-, creed-, gender-, and sexual-orientation defined identity groups by excising all multiculturally-less-than-sensitive terminology from the English language, and replacing it with counter-hegemonic, cruelty-, gender-, bias-, and, if necessary, content-free speech. The society's motto is, "It became necessary to destroy the language in order to save it". Its headquarters are in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. (West Coast headquarters are in Walla-Walla, Washington.)
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Jay Leno
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New Jersey...
Woody Allen
The government runs the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
Scott Adams
The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Lucille S. Harper
The only two things I don't eat for breakfast are lunch and dinner.
The other day I held my wrists in front of my eyes. I had carpal tunnel vision syndrome.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen
There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.
Gore Vidal
There is no law against riding broomsticks in Pennsylvania.
William Penn
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist.
Mark Twain
There is something going on now in Mexico that I happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I'm talking about, of course, is cat juggling.
Steve Martin
Carney's Law
There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print the name Craney incorrectly.
Jim Canrey
These are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
These are the kinds of questions philosophers have been asking ever since they realized being a philosopher did not involve any heavy lifting.
Dave Barry
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Garrison Keillor
Thinking the world should entertain you leads to boredom and sloth. Thinking you should entertain the world leads to bright clothes, odd graffiti, and amazing grace in running for the bus.
Ann Herbert
Cole's Law
Thinly sliced cabbage.
Those who think they know it all are very annoying to those of us who do.
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9mm bullet.
Dave Barry
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Time's fun when you're having flies.
Kermit the Frog
To err is human; to moo, bovine.
Today is the dawn of a new error.
Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes!
Vu-ja de (voo' ja day) 1. The strange feeling that nothing has happened before.
We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will Rogers
We were born wet, naked, and hungry. Then it got worse.
Weekends are a bit like rainbows; they look good from a distance but disappear when you get up close to them.
John Shirley
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
Stewart Brand
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
Dave Barry
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
Fred Allen
When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
Franklyn Ajaye
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Emo Phillips
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
Mark Twain
Archimedes' Other Law
When a body is immersed in water --- the telephone rings.
When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
Jeff Marder
When birds burp, it must taste like bugs.
Calvin
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
When the going gets tough, the smart get lost.
Robert Byrne
When will all the rhetorical questions end?
George Carlin
When you consider that approximately 0.0000000000003 percent of our planet is covered with swimming pools, it's shocking how little we really know what goes on beneath the surface of these mysterious bodies of water.
Dave Barry
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Norm Crosby
When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts, you can be sure you're dead.
Herbert Achternbusch
When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
Whenever you're holding all the cards why does everyone else turn out to be playing chess?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why does SeaWorld have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh my God! I could be eating a slow learner."
Lynda Montgomery
Why is a horsefly bigger than a housefly?
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
Why must hailstones always be the size of something else?
George Carlin
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've really got something.
You know Einstein got really terrible grades? Well, *mine* are even *worse*!
Calvin
You know you're getting old when you have to take the wrapper off of the candy bar to eat it.
Lassie
You may already be a loser.
Form letter received by
Rodney Dangerfield
Your picture's in my wallet and I'm sitting on it --- if that isn't love I don't know what is.
Frank Burns