"Red hair is caused by sugar and lust," the woman, who was blond, confided. "Highly evolved beings do not indulge in sugar and lust."
Tom Robbins
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
Don Quinn
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Helen Rowland
A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
Lillian Day
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings.
Olin Miller
A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty.
Rudyard Kipling
Absence makes the heart go yonder.
Robert Byrne
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
Joan Rivers
Ah, yes, "divorce". From the Latin for "having your genitals torn off through your wallet".
Robin Williams
Any girl can be glamorous: all you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr
As to marriage or celibacy let a man choose which course he may --- he will be sure to repent.
Socrates
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
Oscar Wilde
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Beckhap's Law
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Better that a girl has beauty than brains, because boys see better than they think.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
Dorothy Parker
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Chaste makes waste.
Did you hear the one about the actress who blew her big chance but still didn't get the part?
Epidurals are God's way of telling us we're forgiven for that apple business.
Janice Ford
Failing to be there when a man wants her is woman's greatest sin, except for being there when he doesn't want her.
Helen Rowland
Familiarity breeds contempt, but without a little familiarity it's impossible to breed anything.
Noel Coward
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Mae West (1892-1980)
He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom.
Hermaphrodite: A bisexual built for two.
I can't mate in captivity.
Gloria Steinem on why she has never married
I knew a very interesting Italian woman last winter, but now she's married.
Percy Bysshe Shelley (1792-1822)
I married beneath me. All women do.
Nancy, Lady Astor
I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
Mae West
I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.
Robert Orben
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody Allen
I think there are two areas where new ideas are terribly dangerous --- economics and sex. By and large, it's all been tried, and if it's really new, it's probably illegal or dangerous or unhealthy.
Felix G. Rohatyn
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
Chico Marx
I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S. Grant in full military regalia.
Mark Twain
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I wouldn't marry a woman old enough to be my wife.
Tony Curtis
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
Garry Shandling
If God had meant us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
Malcolm Bradbury
If I ever marry it will be on a sudden impulse, as a man shoots himself.
H. L. Mencken
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
Tallulah Bankhead (1903-1968)
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
If sex is so personal, why do we have to share it with someone?
If this were a logical world, men would ride sidesaddle.
Rita Mae Brown
If women had any idea, even for a second, how we really looked at them, they would never stop slapping us.
Dr. Katz
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
Alan King
Isn't there any other part of the matzah you can eat?
Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962) on being served matzah ball soup three meals in a row
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.
Samuel Butler
It isn't that gentlemen really prefer blondes, it's just that we look dumber.
Anita Loos (1893-1981)
It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.
Helen Rowland
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
Joan Rivers
It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
Judge a man not by his clothes but by his wife's clothes.
Thomas R. Dewar
Like the ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
Alan McKay
Love conquers all except poverty and toothache.
Mae West (1892-1980)
Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
Franklin P. Jones
Love is a friendship set to music.
E. Joseph Cossman
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
Goethe
Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Dr. Karl Bowman
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.
Lord Dewar
Love is being stupid together.
Paul Valery (1871-1945)
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
John Barrymore
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
Jim Backus
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Mae West
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
Professor Irwin Corey
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.
Evelyn Hendrickson
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.
Richard Pryor
Marriage should be a duet --- when one sings, the other claps.
Joe Murray
Men are like fudge: sweet, but dense and rarely good for you.
Audrey Walton-Hadlock, Swarthmore '99
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
Men only have two faults: Everything they say and everything they do.
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
Errol Flynn
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Emo Philips
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
Rodney Dangerfield
My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two hours and I was faithful to her the whole time.
Jonathan Katz
Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
Linda Festa
No two sexes are alike.
B.C.
One more drink and I'll be under the host.
Dorothy Parker
Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.
Katherine Whitehorn
People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
Rub-a-dub-dub
Three men in a tub
And that's on a slow
night.
Sign in a San Francisco bath house
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Joseph Fischer
Sex is natural, but not if it's done right.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
Woody Allen
She was so wild that when she made French toast she got her tongue caught in the toaster.
Rodney Dangerfield
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde --- dyed by her own hand.
Saul Bellow
So many beautiful women and so little time.
John Barrymore (1882-1942)
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
Gloria Steinem
That which we call sin in others is experiment for us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them be good at taking orders.
Linda Festa
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma Bombeck
The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
Charles Pierce
The proper study of mankind is woman.
Henry Adams
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --- and then marry him.
Cher (1946- )
The wagon of love breaks down under the baggage of life.
Ads We'd Like To See
The Stealth Condom: They'll never see you coming.
There is only one good substitute for the endearments of a sister, and that is the endearments of some other fellow's sister.
Josh Billings (1818-1885)
There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first.
Adela Rogers St. John
Think of how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.
To err is human, but it feels divine.
Mae West
Too much of a good thing is wonderful!
Mae West
We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition.
Alex Comfort
When choosing between two evils, I always try to choose the one I haven't tried before.
Mae West
When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them.
Senator John Glenn
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
Woman: An animal...having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication...The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey...The woman is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk.
Ambrose Bierce
Women don't know what they want; they don't like what they have got. Men know very well what they want; having got it, they begin to lose interest.
A.W.Adams
Women don't want to hear what you think; they want to hear what *they* think in a deeper voice.
Bill Cosby
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think.
Dorothy Parker
You're only as old as the woman you feel.
Groucho Marx